strangeness

It's been an interesting day for me.

Starting with last night, here's the interesting:

-My neighbor, who is 18 years old (5 years younger than me), and has always been my like my little brother said something that really bugged me last night. Growing up, he ADORED me, and I loved having him as a tag along. He's selling cookie dough for his track team and came over so I could order some. He stopped to look at the pictures on my parents' fridge. There are a handful of some of my more flattering high school pictures up there. As he's leaving my house, he says "you used to be so good looking, but you've started to let yourself go a little."

Now I know he was just messing with me and joking with me, but at the same time, why would you say something like that if it weren't partially true. Ya know?
Yeah, I was in my work clothes after closing a show last night and doing strike after.
Yeah, we had to scrub out the backstage kitchen and fridge during strike, so I was extra grimy.
Yeah, I rolled out of bed yesterday and went straight to work without showering, so my hair wasn't in peak-condition.
And yeah, I've gained weight since high school.
And yes, I don't usually get down on myself, but this really bugged me for some reason. Boo.

-I had a follow up appointment with my new doctor from the asthma test I had last week. I miss my old family doctor. This woman actually got shitty with me when I didn't perfectly follow her instructions before my test because hers were unclear to begin with and were different from the instructions the hospital gave me when they called to talk to me about my appointment. I'm the first one to admit when I've messed up, but that wasn't my fault.

This is the same doctor whose office sent me to get 2 tests done and didn't send me with the appropriate paperwork, so I had to jump through tons of bureaucratic hoops in order to get them done properly.

Also, my old doctor, no matter what the illness or issue was, was absolutely so kind and helpful. He never ONCE made me feel judged or like a terrible person. Not when we talked about my weight and diet, not when we talked about my sex life, not when we talked about my mental stability. Today? This woman? Made me feel judged. That's not ok, or fun.

-I did my taxes 'on my own' for the first time today. My parents have always just done them for me in the past because I was up at school, and all of my paperwork/forms came to the house. Plus the both file taxes for a living, so no big deal for them to do my measly taxes. But I say 'on my own' rather than on my own because every 5 minutes I was calling out a question. After a while, because it was funny, I started asking them retarded questions like: Did I inherit a farm in 2008? Do I earn any income from a farm (or a farm in a foreign country) in 2008? Did I earn any income from a retirement fund in 2008? Am I blind or a senior citizen?

That last part was fun. The rest of it...not so much. Although I should be getting like $500 back! That is DEFINITELY fun.

bodily failure

Dear Body,

Please stop hating me and battling against yourself. I am not very pleased that a day and a half after we found out you had a temporary asthma like problem as well as an inflamed chest joint, as well as prescribed remedies for both, you also began to exhibit the worst head and chest cold symptoms ever. I would really appreciate it if you would get over yourself and help me out here.

Signed,
Me

PS. Thank you for at least sabotaging me now instead of waiting until my Birthday on Monday or tech at the end of next week.

-----------------------

One of the websites I read daily, had this as their quote of the day yesterday. I find it quite appropriate for me.

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door." Paul Beatty

choose one or taste them all

This is a post of many short and random things...

I believe in tradition. I really do. I'm the first person to admit that I'm afraid of change. I joke about it a lot. But seriously, changes in things that are going well freaks me out a little bit.

But, I do know that in certain situations (maybe even in many situations), you have to adapt, you have to change, you have to make alterations or the tradition can't live on at all in any form.

Also, I've started to notice how much I value loyalty. I tend to consider myself a loyal person, but the point of me pointing this out isn't to boost me up. It's really just background for me saying that I've learned how much I really, really value loyalty in others.

*steps off of soap box*

As with my recent rekindling of love for Josh Groban, I have also rekindled my love for John Mayer.

And more and more signs of my "addictive personality" in my younger years keep popping up. Interesting.

My senior year in high school, I got this virus that looked like little pimples in my throat. Gross I know. They hurt like crazy-both in a stinging, raw throaty kind of way, and in a I-feel-like-something-is-permanently-lodged-in-my-throat way. The doctor said it was caused by a continual wearing down of my body. I had pushed myself too far and done too much and my body was sort of shutting down. Those pimple like bumps appeared in my throat in the last couple of days, and they came to fruition today. Awesome. Maybe I'll test out the good old Health and Wellness one last time here at SMC.

Tomorrow is hooding and the honors covocation. Scary stuff. Also, I'm done with college classes. Yikes. Aside from a performance final/paper to accompany it and a portfolio of my internship work, I am done with college. Oh yeah, and actually graduating too...details details.

that i'd see you again

Today was a depressing day. It started at 4am when I woke up with the serious type of stomach cramps when I accidentally eat something with eggs or milk in it. And again at 6am. Then at 7/7:30am the fire alarm went off AGAIN in Le Mans. Second time in two days. Sickness continued all morning. I had to perform in Voice and Movement today. Voice and Movement is never fun, but it is especially unfun when you are feeling miserable (read: hating your body) and have to perform.

I didn't go to the Civic today cuz of how I was feeling. I slept for a while, then had to go to "Federal Student Loan Exit Counseling". Yeah, that shit is depressing. They told us exactly how much debt we were each in. Actually no, not exactly. The figures they gave us didn't include the interest that had been adding up since we started college. Also, just Federal loans. Private ones not included.

That on top of not having heard back yet on jobs was a REAL bummer.

Then, while at opera rehearsal tonight, I heard girls talking about someone who had gotten food poisoning from the DH. And I thought "hm...it's NEVER this bad when I've eaten something I'm allergic to. Never." And so I drew the conclusion that this sickness is not allergy born, but rather a mild food poisoning. Fuck.

Now I'm watching Remember The Titans and thinking about editing my comp reflection.

I guess you'll have to settle for me...

So some events this week have really helped me to finally keep accepting that things really do happen for a reason.

For a long, long time I was really mad at God for giving my mom cancer a couple of times thru middle school and high school. I blamed Him, wouldn't talk to Him, and was just generally angry with him. When she was sick, I didn't talk to anyone about it. Not even her or my dad. I was miserable (understandably so). It's just really, really hard to find someone to relate to when you're going thru that, and it generally feels impossible. Especially at those ages.

Actually, I keep things in in regards to most problems in my life. I may bitch about things or tell someone (or a lot of people) but I rarely go to someone asking for help, or condolences, or advice. Luckily my closest friends-the fab 5 in naptown-know I do this, and they are pretty good at calling me on it and stepping in.

Anyways, I digress (as usual). I found out at the beginning of the semester that a friend of mine's mother was sick. I didn't find out directly from her, so I was hesitant to say something. Eventually, one day I mentioned I had heard, and told her what I had experienced and that I knew how she was feeling and that it's hard to find someone to relate to and that I am here if she needs anything.

More recently, however, I found out that someone I'm working very closely with is experiencing the same thing. Through my simple understanding of how she feels and knowledge of what she is going through, I have been able to offer her support and condolences that I know from experience she cannot find anywhere else really. Just having someone else who knows how you feel is a huge relief. I know.

Although I know I cannot speak for either of these people to say that I have helped them, but I hope I have, and I will if they need anything at all. It has just been a relief to myself to know that all of those years of pain, and being scared, and sorrow, and anger are finally proving to have happened for a reason. I had to go through it so I could better udnerstand and be there for people I know and love. So...7 years later, I guess I've let God off the hook a little bit.

cue standby

So my "competing" at ACTF went well. I succeeded in not saying "um" 1000 times. I was well spoken (according to Melissa who only says such things if she REALLY means them) and the judges were fairly impressed. So it went well. Good news is that I don't suck at stage management. **PHEW** **Wipes brow** The girl who won the whole stage management competition??? The girl who was right next to me. What to know what her show had??? Te quarterback as well as 2 other starters from the MICHIGAN football team and a horse. YES, you READ RIGHT, a fucking HORSE on the MOTHERFUCKINGSTAGE. WTF???!??!! She was intense. When I arrive to set up my display, all of her crap (which mind you was not finished being put together, at least I came organized and ready to just put up my boards and put down my books) was spread ALL OVER my part of the table. Aren't stage managers supposed to be organized? She also wasn't very nice about moving her stuff so I could set up. Oh well. I'm excited to get the feedback in a few weeks :).

Annaliese came up to me after she presented and said:
So is "stand by horse" kind of like "stand by fly cue balls"?

I guess that needs back story...During Red Herring last year, I had a lot of cues to call, besides light cues, sound cues, and other cues, there were fly cues, which is normal. But there were lots of things to fly: a bed, bar lamps, 2 different signs, and the walls to an apartment. One night, in the middle of the run, I got my tongue tied, and while trying to say "Stand by: fly cue: walls" I thought bed in my head, combined bed and walls, and said "Stand by: fly cue: balls." And it has forever been written down on the SMC theatre quote wall and ingrained into everyone's memories. My mother would be proud.

My first day of classes was uneventful, i had one class. Although it was nice because I thought I'd be the only senior in the Intro to Intercultural studies class (last class for my minor), but there are like 5 other seniors doing the same thing. One of my close friends even. Yay.

Also, I got really sick. Well, not got sick, but continued to be sick so I couldn't attend my first day of my internship. awesome. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.