i wish i could...

Ok, so I think I’m going to lay it all out here. I think I need to…for me. I’ve been contemplating a post in which I really just say how I feel and get down to the bare bones of what I’m thinking and feeling. I think it would help me sort things out…plus maybe I can get some input, advice, encouragement, criticism from others.

Of course this comes at bad timing, because this week an smc/blog friend of mine did the same. I feel like I’m copying her, which I’m not, but I don’t want her to feel like I am. This has been a long time coming, and due to some events that transpired this weekend and the advice I got along with it, I think now is the time to put it all out there. For me. And for you, if you’re interested.

Please forgive me though, this might not come in any sort of order or sense…who knows what will happen when my head and thoughts give way to the freedom of my fingers. Welp, here goes nothing.

I’m lonely. I live in a fantastic world full of fantastic friends and opportunities, but I feel like I’m all alone. I have great friends here. I have great friends at home. I have the best parents anyone could ever dream of (don’t tell them I said that, I don’t want to give them the satisfaction ;) ). Campus is great. People smile at you when they’ve never seen you before. Professors and bosses really care about their students and their well being. My problem is, that in spite of all of this, I feel completely and utterly abandoned and alone. I feel like if I was to disappear, it wouldn’t affect anyone’s life and no one would notice. (*Don’t worry, this isn’t in a suicidal way or anything, it’s just how I’m feeling right now, hopefully it’s just a phase*) I don’t think it’s anything that anyone has done necessarily, it just is what it is.

This boy situation doesn’t help. One minute, I mean the world to him and he has feelings for me, the next minute he can’t handle a long distance relationship so it’s a no go, but he loves me (and according to him there’s no difference between loving someone and being in love with someone), the next minute when I’m finally able to talk to him again he’s telling me how much I mean to him, that yes he does love me, and that hes going to do everything in his power to prove to me that I’m important and to win my trust back, and now something so horrible has happened in his life in the last week and a half that he can’t talk to me. He isn’t ready. What the hell. I know that its shitty of him, and that it isn’t my fault, but I can’t help but be miserable, terrified, and heartbroken instead of being angry.

Part of my problem with that situation for me is that I have been conditioned over the last 8+ years to feel like it is hands down ALWAYS my fault. Most of the time I know that it isn’t, but despite that, I let/make myself take the blame and feel miserable. All the time. It’s silly or stupid or whatever, but it is what it is. And this situation is the same. Once he finally was able to convince me to drop that wall of taking on the blame and misery of the situation he switches shit up and makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong again, it’s all my fault, and I deserve to be miserable. A good friend pointed out to me today that this is ridiculous and I shouldn’t even bother with this sort of people. She asked me why I do it. There isn’t an explanation. Well, there’s an excuse. I’m a lover. I love to love people. And no matter how much someone hurts me, I still love them and I’m still there and I still let them do this to me. Friends, Family, Boys. Whatever.

I got some of the best advice this weekend, from a drunk friend with her own mess of relationship issues. She pointed out to me that if I’m such a good friend, and he loves me so much, and wants to stress me out by telling me something is wrong with me, why would he not respect me enough to just tell me what it is. If he doesn’t want to talk about it fine, but why freak me out. She pointed out how terrible this is. And I agree. It doesn’t help or make me feel any better, but it’s true. And I don’t know what to do or how to react.

Another part of my problem—I know I keep saying “my problem is”—is that ive being doing this on my own for a while. Too long. Dealing with this and feeling alone. Not just the boy thing, but feeling alone in general. I know that being upset over a boy is silly, but it just built on and reinforced things I was already feeling. And I’ve been just trudging along for so long on my own that I’m losing it. Its getting harder. This weekend I broke a little and talked to some friends and it felt so much better. I just feel like im so alone in all this. The bestbestbestfriend that I usually talk to about boys and get reassured from has very particular opinions and judgments about the whole damned situations so I don’t even talk to him about it anymore cuz I don’t want to deal with how horrible it makes me feel when he says that shit. This isn’t the first time I’ve kept it all in. I did this a lot A LOT when my mom was sick and going thru chemo etc.

Another another part of the problem is that, for a long time, I have NOT been the type of person to let a boy affect me like this, or at all. I’ve seen how they affect my friends and the misery they go through, so I’ve been VERY careful. Somehow, I was able to trust him enough to let that down…and for the first time in a long time, I’m being freaked out by this boy thing. And it’s STUPID. But I can’t stop the way I’m feeling…the misery and what not. I’m not normally one for self pity posts, and I normally don’t like reading them, but I just have to put these thoughts down SOMEWHERE. And it really really REALLY bothers me that I’ve let him get to me like this. After the Drew situation, I swore I wouldn’t let this happen anymore. I was miserable 95% of the time I was with him in those 2+ years. I’ve dealt with it for a long time and gotten over a lot of it (besides the trust issues), but recently its all resurfacing and what not. Drew was one of the 2 biggest influences on that complex I have about blaming myself. I always felt like I was screwing up the relationship, even though he was the one to string me along and treat me terribly. I blamed myself for everything, and its still affecting me. This is the guy who conditioned me to think that I had to use sex as a tool to fix our relationship and that our relationship couldn’t be ok without me having sex with him. That’s terrible. That’s what we teach young girls not to feel. That’s what I tell my friends not to feel. Probably cuz it happened to me. But now, that constantly worrying about what im doing wrong and always feeling like I need to fix things in my relationships (boyy especially, but all of them really) is taking a controlling role in my life and I hate it.

I’m NOT the kind of girl that thinks she needs a boyfriend. I don’t think ive ever felt that way. Yeah, I’d really like a companion. I love companionship, and like I said, I love to love. But I don’t think it will complete my life so to speak. Of course for the last 4ish years, because something about me is absolutely repellant of the male gender and I honestly think no one could ever possibly actually like me, I have been telling myself and my family that I don’t have time for a boyfriend. I have been focusing so strongly on my school work. Ok, not school. But theatre work. And it’s my LIFE. I couldn’t live without it. But every once in a while, when I feel a little lonely, I realize that that’s an excuse, I feel even lonelier. But I still know that I don’t need a man in my life to be happy. And I hate that something is making me feel like this and question this.

I’ve also realized that I make a lot of excuses for boy. And it’s not healthy. Excuse all the time do not a healthy relationship make. And what is going on in this whole situation isn’t fair to me. And it’s terrible. And he’s not treating me so well. I get that. But I don’t want to accept it. And knowing that doesn’t make this any easier. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle it.

So, in a nutshell…I guess I’m just feeling abandoned and lonely and terrified. Again, I apologize for the self-pity quality of this post. Normally I’m anti-that. But a previously mentioned good friend recently made me realize I’ve been trying to deal with this whole damn thing on my own for too long. And I shouldn’t. So my first step in trying to NOT do that, is to just get it all out here. Maybe I’ll come back in a few days and try to make some sense of it. Maybe not. If you have any input, advice, opinions, or whatever, or even just feel like telling me to get the hell over it, I’d appreciate it and welcome it.

But Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” So I guess this is me…chugging along.